Male Grief in Myth and Modern Life: A Silent Struggle

Grief is a journey we all must travel, but for many men, that path remains cloaked in silence, shame, and the quiet expectation to “stay strong.” Even now, in an era of podcasts on vulnerability and mental health awareness hashtags, men often find themselves emotionally isolated during times of profound loss.

But this silence isn’t new. Ancient myths and modern stories have always hinted at something deeper: that male grief is not the absence of feeling but rather a struggle to express it. This struggle resonates in the story of Orpheus, who ventured into the underworld for love. It pulses through the tale of Gilgamesh, shattered by the death of his friend. It haunts post-apocalyptic fathers like Logan and the unnamed man in The Road, who mourn even while they protect.

These ancient and modern stories offer a map, not of recovery, but of reckoning. They remind us that grief isn’t a problem to solve but a transformation to endure.

This article examines men and grief through the timeless perspective of Orpheus’ descent, providing heartfelt, raw, and deeply human lessons.

Orpheus and Male Grief: A Myth That Still Echoes.

Orpheus was, in many ways, a Greek anti-hero. He is not Hercules, nor a warrior like Achilles. Orpheus, to many, is the archetypical “soft man.” He is the master musician whose melodies could move mountains and tame beasts. Yet, when his wife Eurydice dies, this man refuses to accept the finality of death. Armed with nothing but his lyre and love, he journeyed to the underworld—a place no living man was meant to tread.

He sings before Hades and Persephone, softening their hearts with his sorrow. They grant him a rare gift: he can lead Eurydice back to the realm of the living, but only if he does not look back until they both fully emerge. Near the exit, doubt creeps in. He turns. She vanished.

This myth isn’t just about loss—it’s about the male experience of grief: the fight against the inevitable, the desperate hope to undo what’s been done, the painful lesson of letting go and the need to re-engage with life again.

The Denial Phase in Male Grief: Entering the Emotional Underworld

Denial is often the starting point for men in their grief journey. It is the refusal to accept that someone has died or that our marriage or relationship is over. The loss is too great to comprehend, so we deny it.

Many of us go into hyper-functionality mode, burying ourselves in work or some other activity, anything to avoid emotional expression. I can remember the weeks and months after Matthew died, I continued to try to function in my role as CEO of a large non-profit organisation. My world had shattered, and the immediate fallout would continue for at least three to four years, yet I went into the hyper-functionality mode that we go into as men when we are afraid. I was scared my grief would overwhelm me and incapacitate me.

Yet, despite functioning at a surface level, like Orpheus, we descend into our underworld, disconnected from those who would bring healing and life, and cling to the memories of what was.

When our children die before us, there is often an unspoken fear that if we let go, it means we didn’t or don’t love them. Yet, holding on too tightly keeps us trapped in a place we are not meant to be in and which our children do not want us to be in.

Bargaining with the Impossible –Male Grief and the Urge to Fix the Unfixable

As men, we like to solve or fix things. Our sense of identity and self-worth is often connected to this aspect of ourselves.

When our relationships break down, we often believe we can fix them. We can do something that will rewrite the story. Sometimes we can, but frequently we have to accept the reality that the relationship is over. There is a finality with death that cannot be rewritten, no matter how much we want things to be different.

Like Orpheus, we can plead with the gods, we can spend time and energy searching for ways to turn back time. The truth is, no matter how much we bargain or how eloquently we may petition the gods, some things won’t return. This is painful, yet acknowledging this can be the first step towards our healing.

Grief teaches us humility, that there are things in life we cannot fix and that there are things we cannot solve, yet it is still possible to engage fully in the richness of life.

Why Looking Back Hurts More Than Helps in Grief

Why did Orpheus look back? Some say it was the eagerness of love. So close to the entrance of Hades, he wanted to see Eurydice’s face. Others say it was doubt. Eurydice was a Shade; she made no sound as she padded behind Orpheus, up from the depths of Hades. Could he believe she was there, or had Hades tricked him?

At the last moment, did doubt make him turn back to check that she was there?

Plato takes a different view. He claimed that Orpheus was arrogant because he refused to accept the finality of death and tried to go against the natural laws and bring Eurydice back to life.

For many of us who grieve, the temptation is to keep looking back. We try to keep the person, the memory, and the relationship alive by reliving the past, but we are afraid to step out into the sunlight and move forward. But healing requires faith.

We can carry our loved ones in our hearts. We cannot resurrect the past. Looking back for too long keeps us stuck, dwelling in the shadows.

Letting Go Isn’t Losing: A Path Back to Life for Grieving Men

Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting; it means accepting the loss and choosing life again.

Accepting the loss and choosing life again can feel like a betrayal for many men, but it is a profound act of love. It acknowledges that the person who has died would want us to live, love again, and rise from the underworld. When the relationship with the deceased has been complex and challenging, choosing life frees us from the constraints and difficulties of that relationship. Choosing life also allows us to learn from these challenging relationships, enabling us to build healthier connections in the future.

Living with Absence: Rebuilding After Male Loss

Reintegration is one of the most challenging aspects of grief. Life continues, but something is missing. How can we smile again when our hearts ache?

The answer lies in honouring the loss, not in erasing it. Grief becomes part of our identity but doesn’t have to define our future. We can carry the memory while choosing connection, purpose, and hope.

Orpheus’s Story and What Every Grieving Man Should Learn

The myth of Orpheus provides crucial lessons for all of us, particularly men, when grief enters our lives.

These lessons can be summed up as:

• Love is powerful, yet it cannot reverse death.
• Doubt and fear are natural, but they can rob us of our peace.
• Letting go isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a step toward growth.
• The journey back to life begins when we cease trying to control the past.

Coming Back to the Light: Healing Male Grief With Courage and Compassion

Like Orpheus, every grieving man must walk through darkness. However, we aren’t meant to linger in Hades. We’re meant to return to the world, to love, to life.

Grief is love transformed by loss. Allow it to shape you, not shatter you. And remember, you don’t have to face it alone.

Ready to Begin Your Journey Out of the Maze of Grief?

Grief doesn’t follow a map — but you don’t have to walk through it alone. At Musings From The Maze, we explore the stories, myths, and quiet truths that help men navigate loss, love, and the long road back to life.

If Orpheus’s journey spoke to something in you — a grief unspoken, a song unsung — I invite you to step further into the conversation. Discover insights, reflections, and resources for men facing emotions.

👉 Visit www.musingsfromthemaze.com.au and take the next step on your healing path.