Introduction: The Wrong Question
“What makes me a man?” has always been a loaded question. It haunted me while growing up. Raised in Fundamentalism, I was meant to be a Christian soldier—tough and righteous—but I failed the test again and again. I wasn’t strong enough, assertive enough, or detached enough. My father wanted discipline, and my brother-in-laws wanted grit. What I had to offer—sensitivity, introspection, vulnerability—wasn’t what they were after. So, I learned to hide.
For years, I believed I had missed out on some essential ingredient—something that, if found, would finally allow me to relax into my manhood. But over time, I realised I was asking the wrong question. “What makes a man a man?” isn’t just hard to answer—it’s the wrong pursuit altogether.
That question is burdened with history and pressure. It reduces identity to performance—stoicism, dominance, toughness, and control. These old templates don’t free us; they trap us.
A better question is: What makes you authentic?
Trying to “be a man” is like playing a role written by someone else. Authenticity, on the other hand, is about being who you are, fully, truthfully, without the need to perform.
This article urges us to reject the fundamentalism of masculinity and embrace something more profound: a version of manhood grounded in honesty, integrity, and emotional truth. It’s time we stopped asking how to be men and started asking how to be whole.
The Fundamentalism of Masculinity: When Identity Becomes Doctrine
Masculinity, once a lived, flexible experience, has calcified into something dogmatic. The “fundamentalism of masculinity” turns identity into ideology. According to Connell and Messerschmidt[1] (2005), the dominant model of manhood—hegemonic masculinity—revolves around strength, emotional suppression, heterosexual dominance, and power.
These beliefs aren’t merely harmful—they’re enforced through social penalties. Break the code and you’re mocked, excluded, or punished. Boys learn early to toughen up and perform. Vulnerability isn’t just discouraged—it’s shamed (Way, 2011[2]).
This code doesn’t just constrain—it suffocates. It causes emotional suppression, superficial relationships, and confusion about identity.
Masculine Anxiety and Emotional Repression
Psychologist Joseph Pleck[3] (1995) described how men experience gender role strain—a painful gap between cultural expectations and their emotional truth. Men feel fear, tenderness, sadness—but learn early on to hide these emotions.
Over time, these unexpressed emotions don’t just vanish—they calcify. The outcome? Many men become emotionally shut down, unable to articulate or even recognise their feelings. This isn’t biological—it’s social conditioning. Levant et al[4]. (2009) call this alexithymia—a difficulty in identifying and expressing emotion.
Instead of processing grief or fear, men:
- Lash out in anger
- Numb themselves with work, substances, or sex
- Withhold emotion in relationships
- Fall into depression, hidden behind a mask of strength
Masculinity as Performance
Sociologist Erving Goffman[5] (1959) wrote about the “presentation of self” in everyday life. For many men, masculinity becomes exactly that: a performance, not a truth.
They pursue money, power, or sexual conquest—not for fulfilment, but for validation. They lead not from compassion but from the need for an image. They steer clear of therapy, as needing help goes against the script.
Terrence Real[6] (2002) refers to this as covert depression: a form of sadness that assumes the guise of anger, control, or achievement.
Policing Each Other: The Role of Male Peer Pressure
Men are frequently both victims and enforcers of rigid masculinity. Within male peer groups, any deviations from the script are punished:
- You open up emotionally? You’re soft.
- You decline a hookup? You’re not a real man.
- You prioritize family over work? You’re whipped.
Michael Kimmel[7] (2008) noted, “The great secret of American manhood is that men are afraid of other men.”
This fear keeps men in check. But it also isolates them from others and themselves.
The Cost of Masculine Fundamentalism: Disconnection
Rigid masculinity comes with serious costs:
- From women: Many men struggle to form emotionally deep partnerships. They idealise women as caregivers or view them as threats (hooks[8], 2004).
- From children: Men who withhold emotion often become emotionally absent fathers.
- From other men: Friendships become superficial. Vulnerability becomes rare.
- From themselves: Eventually, the mask becomes the man. You forget who you were before you had to perform.
The Shift: From Masculinity to Authenticity
So what is the alternative?
Authenticity.
Authenticity doesn’t entail rejecting all masculine traits. It involves dropping the act and living from the inside out. It signifies defining success by your values, not someone else’s.
When men lead authentically:
- Relationships become partnerships, not power plays.
- Emotions become tools, not threats.
- Leadership becomes honest, not performative.
- Identity becomes expressive, not rigid.
As Brown (2012[9]) writes, vulnerability is not weakness—it’s courage.
How Men Build Authenticity: Key Practices
1. Know Your Values—Then Live Them
Do you know what your values are? Do you know what matters to you?
Often, we forget our values. We get caught up in providing and juggling competing demands, losing sight of what truly matters to us.
If you can’t name your top five values, take some time to rediscover and identify them. Then ask yourself, “Am I aligned with my values?” “Is my life matching what I say I value?”
2. Tell the Truth—Especially to Yourself
Authenticity requires us to learn to tell the truth, especially to ourselves. Without honesty, we remain trapped in the performance of who we think we ought to be, rather than discovering who we truly are. Self-deception might provide short-term protection—shielding us from shame, fear, or rejection—but it costs us our freedom. The truth, no matter how painful, is the threshold of transformation. It dismantles the false self, invites healing, and clears a path toward an aligned, rather than performative, life. Until we can sit with our truth—our grief, our longing, our contradictions—we cannot fully inhabit our own lives. Authenticity starts with the courage to see and say what is real.
3. Build Emotional Literacy
Just because we haven’t learned the language of emotions doesn’t mean we can’t begin to name, understand, and accept what we feel.
We can begin our journey to emotional literacy by first broadening our emotional vocabulary—take time each day to express what we feel beyond just “fine,” “angry,” or “tired.” Become curious: is it anger, or is it fear we feel, but find it easier to be angry? What about emotions like disappointment, guilt, or relief? Secondly, we can practise pausing during emotionally charged moments to reflect before reacting, asking ourselves, “What am I really feeling right now, and what does it need?” These two practices—naming and noticing—lay the groundwork for emotional awareness, providing us with the language and space to respond with integrity rather than instinct.
4. Drop the Comparison Game
Money, muscles, or partners don’t measure authenticity.
It’s measured by alignment to your values and what matters to you.
5. Dealing with Shame
Shame prevents authenticity by convincing us that our true selves are unworthy of love, belonging, or acceptance. It whispers that if others saw who we are—our fears, failures, or needs—they would turn away. So we hide behind roles, achievements, or silence, constructing a version of ourselves we believe is more acceptable. But this false self becomes a prison, cutting us from intimacy and inner peace.
Authenticity requires vulnerability, and shame is its greatest saboteur. Until shame is acknowledged and gently dismantled, we cannot fully show up—because we are still protecting ourselves from being seen.
Authenticity is hard, and worth it
Let’s be honest: living authentically isn’t always comfortable. It’s not some Instagram-ready glow-up. It’s raw and real.
Being authentic might mean:
- Disappointing someone you love
- Saying no when it’s easier to stay quiet
- Walking away from a role that brought applause but no peace
- Admitting you’re struggling—even when everyone expects strength
But here’s the payoff:
When you stop performing, you start living.
When you stop hiding, you start healing.
You don’t just reclaim your manhood; you reclaim your self.
Final Word: Redefine the Win
The world doesn’t need more men chasing the illusion of strength. It needs more men grounded in truth.
So stop asking: What makes me a man?
Start asking:
- What makes me honest?
- What makes me grounded?
- What makes me proud—not by their standards, but by mine?
I used to chase manhood like it was a prize I hadn’t earned. Now I ask myself one question: Am I living aligned with who I am?
When the answer is yes—even quietly, even imperfectly-I finally feel free.
That’s not just manhood.
That’s wholeness.
[1] Connell, R. W., & Messerschmidt, J. W. (2005). Hegemonic masculinity: Rethinking the concept. Gender & Society, 19(6), 829–859.
[2] Way, N. (2011). Deep secrets: Boys’ friendships and the crisis of connection. Harvard University Press.
[3] Pleck, J. H. (1995). The gender role strain paradigm: An update. In R. F. Levant & W. S. Pollack (Eds.), A new psychology of men (pp. 11–32). Basic Books.
[4] Levant, R. F., Hall, R. J., Williams, C. M., & Hasan, N. T. (2009). Gender differences in alexithymia. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 10(3), 190–203.
[5] Goffman, E. (1959). The presentation of self in everyday life. Doubleday.
[6] Real, T. (2002). I don’t want to talk about it: Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression. Scribner.
[7] Kimmel, M. (2008). Guyland: The perilous world where boys become men. Harper.
[8] hooks, b. (2004). The will to change: Men, masculinity, and love. Washington Square Press.
[9] Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books
