By David Kernohan | Mentoring Through the Maze
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
— Carl Jung
Like ancient ruins hidden beneath weathered earth, our sense of manhood is shaped long before we can name it. Expectations, cultural scripts, inherited roles, and unspoken pain settle over our identity like sediment, blurring the line between who we are and who we have learned to be. As Carl Jung observed, becoming our true selves often begins with the brave work of unlearning who we are not.
This is the essence of what is meant by the archaeology of masculinity: a slow, deep excavation into what has been buried to understand what is present now. Just as archaeology reveals the past to better understand a civilisation’s truth, this inner digging uncovers the stories, roles, and performances we have adopted to survive, belong, or be seen. Jung called this process individuation—a lifelong blending of conscious and unconscious elements that brings us closer to wholeness. His insight, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are” (Jung, 1969), remains a guiding light on this journey.
For men, this journey often passes through three key terrains: performative masculinity, role-based masculinity, and story-based masculinity, before hopefully reaching the core of our souls. Each layer offers its protections and pitfalls, providing temporary safety or identity while also hiding the deeper soul within. Understanding these layers not only reveals how we have been shaped but also how we can begin to reconnect with our true foundation of being and remember what was real before we lost touch with it.
This journey is not about abandoning masculinity. It is about reclaiming it—not as a performance or persona, but as our living, grounded truth.
1. Performative Masculinity: I Am My Performance
Most of us, whether consciously or not, start with performance.
We try on different kinds of masculinity, like costumes in a play. Some of the performances we adopt are the Tough Guy, the Provider, the Joker, the Stoic, and the Rebel. Each role provides a sense of belonging or protection, a way to be “enough” in the eyes of others.
- The Tough Guy hides pain with aggression.
- The Stoic earns respect through emotional suppression.
- The Joker masks fear and shame with humour.
- The High Achiever confuses success with self-worth.
It is essential to remember that each of the three layers of masculinity we discuss offers men specific benefits as well as significant drawbacks. It is these benefits that often motivate a man to live out a particular style of masculinity, rather than viewing the layer as just a stage to pass through on his way to being more authentic.
Performative masculinity offers a man certain advantages and disadvantages:
The Advantages of Performative Masculinity
- Social Acceptance: he is praised for fitting the mould.
- Protection: Performance can shield him from vulnerability.
- Belonging: Certain roles offer a sense of group identity and validation.
- Power and Status: Conforming can open doors, at least externally.
Disadvantages of Performative Masculinity
- Emotional Disconnection: A man loses contact with his inner life.
- Shame and Anxiety: The fear of being “found out” increases, especially for men whose personality and/or sexuality do not fit the performative roles expected of them.
- Isolation: Performances ultimately hinder intimacy and genuine connection with friends, partners, and children.
- Burnout: Constant performance leads to exhaustion and internal collapse.
Ultimately, performance builds a gap between who we are and who we believe we should be. The larger the gap, the greater the ache.
2. Role-Based Masculinity: I Am What I Do
Roles are not the same as identities; however, they are often confused with one another.
A man becomes a father, a husband, a worker, a provider, and a leader. These roles can be sacred; however, without an inner sense of self connected to them, they become empty. Roles can also become a fertile ground for performance.
For example:
- The man who equates his worth with his ability to provide financially.
- The father who believes presence means discipline, not emotional availability.
- The professional who sees failure at work as personal failure.
These roles are formed by the social contract and are often reinforced through systems such as religion, economic necessity, and tradition. They are not inherently negative. However, they are incomplete.
Role-based masculinity has its unique advantages and disadvantages.
Advantages of Role-Based Masculinity
- Structure: Roles provide a man with purpose and clarity.
- Responsibility: They encourage accountability and reliability.
- Recognition: Society often rewards men for “doing their part.”
- Fulfilment: Roles can help men feel useful and needed.
Disadvantages of Role-Based Masculinity
- Overidentification: We lose touch with the “I” beneath the role.
- Role Fatigue: Burnout from constant responsibility.
- Rigidity: Little space for creativity, rest, or emotional nuance.
- Crisis of Identity: If the role falls away (due to divorce, job loss, or children leaving home), we can collapse.
As Jungian analyst Robert A. Johnson (1991) suggests, placing too much emphasis on external activity without inner reflection results in a kind of spiritual dryness—a separation between doing and being. Men in midlife often find themselves at this brink, questioning why, after fulfilling every role, they still feel empty.
3. Story-Based Masculinity: I Am The Story I Tell Myself
Stories influence identity more than we realise.
Common examples of stories we live by include victim narratives, where men see themselves as powerless or wronged by circumstances; hero narratives, where men must always be strong and save others; failure narratives, where past mistakes define present identity; success narratives, where worth is tied to achievement and recognition; and inherited narratives, where family or cultural stories about masculinity are accepted without question.
The stories we tell ourselves—and the ones we have been told—become internalised scripts. When a man believes these stories, they turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. However, what is often overlooked is that these are incomplete stories. They are fragments—edited versions of truth filtered through pain, trauma, or social pressure.
Advantages of Story-Based Masculinity
- Meaning-Making: Stories help us make sense of our past.
- Identity Formation: They offer coherence and a sense of self.
- Resilience: Narratives can provide survival strategies and hope.
Disadvantages of Story-Based Masculinity
- Distortion: We often inherit or internalise false narratives.
- Victim Identity: Some men over-identify with their wounds, staying stuck.
- External Validation: We rely on how others perceive or define us.
- Disconnection from Soul: We live as the character, not the author.
As narrative therapist Michael White (2007) argues, healing begins when we “re-author” our lives—when we examine the stories we have absorbed, identify their sources, and consciously choose which ones to keep, revise, or discard.
Recovering the Soul of a Man
So what really lies beneath all the performance, roles, and story fragments?
Soul.
Not in a religious sense—though it may be spiritual for some—but as the deepest, most genuine part of a man: the part untouched by performance, role, or story. The soul is the source of your authenticity, creativity, capacity for love, and presence. It is not defined by what you do or how others see you, but by what is real within you, especially when everything else falls away.
“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.”
— Caroline Myss
What is the Soul?
The soul is characterised by several qualities: authenticity, where thoughts, feelings, and actions align with inner truth; wholeness, where strength and vulnerability, logic and emotion are integrated; creativity, where unique gifts and perspectives are expressed; connection, where relationships are based on genuine intimacy rather than performance; and purpose, where meaning arises from within rather than external achievement (Moore & Gillette, 1990).
In other words, the soul is depth, being, and presence. It is not ego. It is not a title. It is not trauma. It is the part of you that remembers who you are, even when the world forgets.
In Jungian psychology, the soul is associated with the inward, feeling, and receptive aspects of the psyche. To reclaim the soul is to embrace wholeness. To feel. To reflect. To create. To be.
How Do We Recover Our Soul?
1. Excavate the Ruins
Start by asking not only “Who am I?” but “What have I buried to survive?” Many men have silenced parts of themselves—tenderness, creativity, fear, desire—to stay safe or accepted. Soul recovery begins by gently uncovering these buried aspects without shame, with curiosity and compassion.
2. Make Space for Silence
The soul does not shout. It waits for the noise to settle. Turn down the volume of productivity, performance, and endless doing. In silence, what has been ignored begins to surface—not to shame you, but to reconnect you.
3. Tell the Truth
What roles, identities, or stories no longer serve you? Are you still playing a part that once kept you safe but now keeps you stuck? Reclaiming your soul involves telling the truth about what you have outgrown—even if others prefer the version of you that stayed small.
4. Practice Soul Rituals
Soul does not return through spreadsheets or to-do lists. It comes through slowness, presence, and sacred repetition. Practices like walking in nature, journaling deeply, creating art, naming grief, or breathing with awareness invite you back into rhythm with your inner life.
5. Reclaim Emotional Literacy
Many men were never taught the language of emotions—they were taught to suppress, dismiss, or override them. Reclaiming emotional literacy means learning to name what you feel, notice where it lives in your body, and respond to it with dignity rather than shame (Goleman, 1995). Feelings are not weaknesses; they are maps back to the soul.
6. Seek Witnessing, Not Fixing
Healing does not always need answers — it needs presence. Seek connections where you can be truly seen and heard, without being corrected or fixed. The soul grows when met with compassion, not criticism — when another person holds space without an agenda.
Excavation Is an Ongoing Practice
The archaeology of masculinity is not a one-off dig. It is a lifelong journey. Each stage of life uncovers new truths, reveals old foundations, and provides the opportunity to rebuild—closer to the truth, closer to the spirit.
You are more than your story. You are its author.
If something stirred in you while reading this—if a quiet voice within longs to be seen—know this: you do not have to unearth it alone.
This work is sacred, and it is also profoundly human.
You are invited to begin (or continue) your excavation in a safe, supportive space.
🌐 Explore more at mentoringthroughthemaze.com.au
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Your soul is not lost—it is waiting to be remembered. Every layer you unearth brings you closer to the man you were meant to be.
References
Connell, R. W. (2005). Masculinities (2nd ed.). University of California Press.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.
Johnson, R. A. (1991). Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche. HarperSanFrancisco.
Jung, C. G. (1953). Psychological Aspects of the Persona. In Two Essays on Analytical Psychology (R.F.C. Hull, Trans.). Princeton University Press.
Myss, C. (1996). Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing. Harmony.
White, M. (2007). Maps of Narrative Practice. W.W. Norton & Company.
