Mazes are great activities to do on holiday or with children. However, they become less fun when we feel lost in the maze of life. There are times in our lives when we gradually or suddenly become aware that we are feeling confused and uncertain. The goals we were working towards seem like a mirage, and the things that once brought us happiness and pleasure now seem to lack life and lustre.
These times, particularly when they are prolonged, can feel like we are lost in a maze. We try different things, and nothing seems to work out. Our thoughts go round in our minds but always return to the same place. We feel stuck in the maze of our minds and our lives, and we cannot see the way out.
When we enter the maze
It is not a question of “if we will go through periods of life when it feels like we are lost in a maze” but of “when.”
As men, we will all go through an experience, or experiences where we feel lost in the maze of life. In my life, those times have been leaving the church and reclaiming my identity after fundamentalism, the death of my son and the subsequent breakdown of my marriage. In your situation, it may be ill health, a relationship breakdown, being retrenched from a job you loved, or mental health challenges. Whatever it is, there will be a set of circumstances that leave us feeling confused, with a deep sense of meaninglessness and a lack of interest or motivation in life. A set of circumstances that leave us feeling lost in a maze.
How do we respond when we enter the maze?
As men, we tend to have reasonably standard responses when life brings a maze our way. We will look at four of them – denial, trying to re-capture our past, quick fixes and blame.
1. Denial
Often, denial is our first response. We deny the confusion, uncertainty, and pain we feel and try to assure ourselves, as much as others around us, that we are okay. There are reasons for this denial of our feelings. For instance:
- If we come from families where traditional masculine norms were upheld and being decisive and in control was deemed necessary, admitting to feelings of confusion can seem like a threat to our identity and acceptance within our families.
- The “Tough it out” mentality. As boys, we learn to suppress emotions that indicate vulnerability and to endure pain. These lessons learnt as boys are entrenched in us as adults. We believe if we tough it out and push through the confusion and uncertainty, things will eventually turn out fine. Unfortunately, this often leads to deepening feelings of meaninglessness, confusion, and disinterest in life, culminating in burnout and depression.
- Cognitive Dissonance – this is the psychological discomfort we feel when we hold two or more conflicting beliefs, attitudes or behaviours at the same time. For many men, this dissonance is created when their feelings conflict with their image of themselves as being in control and goal-oriented. To manage this discomfort, we may suppress our feelings and tell ourselves and everyone around us that we are okay. The problem with suppressing our emotions is that it doesn’t change them. Feelings that are ignored do not resolve but, as mentioned above, become entrenched and can progress to feelings of burnout and depression.
2. Attempts to re-capture our past – the classic mid-life crisis
The mid-life crisis is an attempt by a man to reclaim the energy, vitality, and zest for life he once had as a young man. When life feels dull and monotonous, and a man confronts the question “What if this is as good as it get?” {Jack Nicholson in the movie “As Good as It Gets”} – it’s understandable that many wish to rediscover the energy and drive they possessed in their youth.
The attempt to reclaim energy, vitality, and zest often involves a man using his money to purchase things, for example, a new car, an extended holiday, or to find a new love. While these external factors distract from feelings of dullness and monotony, ultimately, they do not assist with the journey through the maze.
3. Quick fixes
A third way of responding when we enter the maze is to look for a quick fix. As men, we are problem solvers. Give us a problem, and we will try to solve it, whether assembling IKEA furniture or a relationship issue. We bring the same approach to situations where we find ourselves lost in the maze of life.
We are looking for a solution. As men, we often think in binary terms. For example, we believe there is a solution we need to find, or we give up and go with denial. In other words, there is one solution I need to find to fix this, or there is nothing I can do.
Our desire as men to fix things should be honoured and valued because this drive to find solutions is helpful in many areas of life. However, whenever we feel lost and life seems to have no sense of direction, the challenge is expanding our thinking beyond the binary to include other factors that we often forget when going through challenging times.
This is where mentoring has been so valuable for me. When I have been going through challenging times, I have often forgotten the strengths I have used in the past, or I have felt so lost in the maze that my perspective on life has been skewed, and I have overlooked other aspects of my life that have been healing and helpful. Mentors have listened to me and then have questioned me:
“What about the strength you showed here?”
“What about this aspect of your life you have forgotten?”
“What have you done in the past that has been helpful?”
Their questions reminded me of aspects of myself I had forgotten but which I needed to navigate my situation. This is the power of an effective mentor. They know how to remind us of what we have forgotten. They ask questions that help shift our focus and help us think creatively about our situation.
Effective mentors have learned that deep, effective healing does not come from quick fixes but from the patience, determination, and courage to lean into seemingly impossible situations. Carl Jung put it this way:
“When we must deal with problems, we instinctively resist trying the way that leads through obscurity and darkness. We wish to hear only of unequivocal results and completely forget that these results can only be brought about when we have ventured into and emerged again from the darkness.”[1]
4. Blame
Blame is a common way to handle challenging situations in life. Someone or something is often held responsible for what I’m experiencing. Certainly, some situations directly stem from another person’s carelessness or malicious behaviour. However, sometimes unfortunate events occur to good people.
It’s easy to get bogged down in our expectations of what should happen and how life should treat us based on who we are or what we’ve done. We expect life to treat us by our standards of fairness or because we believe we’re good people. The reality is that life unfolds as it does, and searching for someone or something to blame usually doesn’t alter what has happened; instead, we need to focus on healing from whatever we’ve endured.
Perhaps the most common way we respond is to ask why.
Why do we go through periods when we feel lost in a maze?
As I said above, the question is not, “Will I go through a period in my life when I feel lost in a maze,” but “How will I respond when I go through such a period.”
The maze is a universal symbol of personal growth for men—representing challenge, confusion, self-discovery, and transformation. These experiences, while painful, are opportunities to become more authentic versions of ourselves.
We all face challenges that cause us confusion. Yet these challenges offer us the opportunity for self-discovery and transformation. It is for this reason that we go through challenging times. It is Life calling us to be authentically ourselves.
Again, quoting from Jung, he put it this way:
Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
“There is no coming to consciousness without pain.”
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are[2].”
As men, we are called to look inside and become conscious of who we are. The privilege of becoming who we are causes us to be willing to endure the pain of the maze.
When we understand that the purpose of the challenging times we go through is the privilege of becoming who we truly are, rather than the standard responses we often use as men, we can face the challenges with courage.
We are willing to enter the maze, to hold the confusion and uncertainty we feel and learn to trust that we are being called to a deeper authenticity, a more profound sense of who we are as men, as husbands, partners, fathers and friends.
Remember, you do not have to go through uncertainty and confusion yourself. Personal growth for men is a journey best taken with guidance, support and a willingness to embrace the process. As a mentor, I assist men
- Regain clarity about what is happening in their lives.
- Remember and reclaim the strengths they already possess.
- Rediscover their emotional resilience.
- Reignite their spirit.
Is this a journey you are ready to take?
[1] Mark, J. J. (2018, April 16). Labyrinth. Ancient History Encyclopedia. Retrieved from https://www.ancient.eu/Labyrinth/
[2] Carl Jung: On the Wisdom and the Meaning of Life – Excellence Reporter
